Taking Your Time [Won't Ruin Your Life]
I challenged myself to start a TikTok and use it for 30 days straight. I made an excel sheet and list of ideas - the whole Type-A shebang. The first two weeks, I kept true to my promise, and actually… had fun. Shook.
Admittedly, there were two or three days in that time span where I found myself posting for posting’s sake, even though I’d had fun creating the content. Then, I hit a wall. We had a string of cloudy days here, and suddenly, I was having trouble getting out of bed. Honestly, thank god I had my partner to lean on.
Fast forward six days, and I haven’t posted to TikTok. Gasp, I know. An earlier version of me might have been pissed at myself for not following through on something so seemingly easy. For messing up. For being lazy. It’s part of why I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions (more on that in a later post).
But this version of myself - in this seventh year of concussion recovery; in this fifth year of anxiety and depression from being concussed - is an old fart who’s got a bit of wisdom to her. While I’m no longer having to plan my energy usage by the day (yes, literally), my body still remembers that feeling, and my brain now knows to listen. I have learned that everyone can wait an extra day for my response. Every project can be pushed a bit. Through the years of chronic pain and recovery, my body has taught me that the timeline can shift. For better or for worse, the timeline can shift.
And wow, did I get to this point the hard way. Among other things, I was the sober President of my sorority at a notorious party school. I was in bed by 10:30pm, regardless of whether or not my work was done. I felt like my life was clipped; the rug pulled out from under me when I was supposedly in my prime. I know that that life looked boring and anti-social to a lot of folks, but over the years, I learned just how much is asked of us (in school, in jobs) that is not essential. I learned that turning in an assignment late didn’t make me any less smart or capable. I learned that missing a brunch didn’t derail my friendships or my life plan. Hardest of all, I learned that if you don’t choose when to rest, your body will choose for you. Thankfully, a lot of the militant self-care practices I cultivated in those years make it easier to protect my wellness now, in a much gentler way.
These days, I really, truly struggle to watch people push themselves to their limits, because I know I was once “invincible” like them. Not going for a 15 minute walk outside on a busy work day… day after day. Grabbing coffee at 5pm to be ready for the night. Spending Sunday horribly hung over because Saturday night was meant to make up for a shit work week. Let me be clear - I am not jealous. I am worried. I am worried that people think their bodies will always keep up. I am worried that the pressure to live in the “now,” is keeping us from living with longevity.
Thankfully, we’re having more conversations about caring for our mental and physical health. We’re interrogating the five day work week, and acknowledging the need for a proper work-life balance. There is still such a long way to go.
I’m asking you to rebel in the meantime, wherever and whenever you can. Take the extra half-hour, hour, half day, or day(s). If one thing can’t wait, another thing can. That is part of being kind to yourself.
Better late today than gone tomorrow.
As always,
Stephanie