One Decision Brought Me Back to Myself

A month ago, in the midst of tech rehearsals for FLEX at Lincoln Center, we were spending upwards of 10 hours in a basement dressing room every day. One of my fellow understudies would go running through Central Park on our dinner break, and that sparked something in me. I looked up the nearest Planet Fitness, and found one 10 blocks away. Though I didn’t know if I was well enough to start, the next day, I was in the gym. 

Could I afford it? Not comfortably. But, has it repaid me more than I ever imagined? Hell yes. 

In these last seven years of chronic pain and Post Concussion Syndrome, I have not been able to exercise. Watching my body melt away, then puff up, was an experience I never thought I’d go through, having been an athlete since I was three years old. 

Now, I’ve never reallyyyy gone by the number on the scale (as much as I can, given being a woman in this world). At my fittest, I was also technically my heaviest, because of the muscle I’d put on to perform at such a high level. I know that that number can be a trick. So, I went by how I was feeling; slow, rolly-polly, tired all the time. The last time I felt this way, it led to my chicken tender journey. This time had to be different.

By June, I’d been recovering from my last intensive osteopathic treatment in British Columbia, Canada for just over three months. It was time to put it all to the test. I stepped into the gym and went against every bone in my body, stopping myself at 12 minutes of inclined walking on the treadmill, or 8 minutes on a rowing machine. I underdid every exercise I tried, reminding myself that rebuilding is a slow process. I couldn’t start back where I ended as a D1 athlete. 

Slowly, my numbers increased. My reps got heavier. My body felt like mine again. Now, a month in, I can definitively say that my PCS is the best it’s EVER been. I’ve been sore and uncomfortable some mornings, but none of my workouts have caused worsened concussion symptoms. I haven’t had to stop for dizziness or nausea. I’m flooded with pride and happiness every time I leave the gym. 

I’d forgotten I was an athlete. Am an athlete. And I’m back. 

As always,

Steph